Чтение и письмо: редактирование с пояснением (параллелизм, отсылки)
Слова урока · 4
- mark-up /ˈmɑːk ʌp/разметка правок
- rationale /ˌræʃəˈnɑːl/обоснование
- clean copy /ˌkliːn ˈkɒpi/чистовая версия
- untouched /ʌnˈtʌtʃt/нетронутый
Фразы урока · 2
- The mark-up shows every change and its reason — one line of rationale per change.Разметка показывает каждую правку и её причину; одна строка обоснования на правку.
- Deliver the clean copy and the mark-up, and say what you left untouched, and why.Сдайте чистовую версию и разметку и скажите, что оставили нетронутым, и почему.
Текст: «Текст для редактирования: черновик раздела отчёта»
The committee only approved the trial for six months, which surprised the operator, and they said that the route would need to be changed. Having reviewed the survey and the till records, the estimate of likely footfall was revised upwards by the treasurer to a figure that was higher than last year. There is a need for the implementation of a monitoring process in order to make a determination as to whether or not the trial has had an effect on the level of trade on the High Street. The chairman told the treasurer that his figures were optimistic; this was noted. Less meetings were held than in the previous phase, and the villages, the traders and consulting the operator were all part of the process. The trial, which cost £11,000, was cheaper than any option. Footfall rose 7 %. It was, in the end, after everything, a bus.
Задание
Отредактируйте черновик и представьте результат (всего 300–340 слов): (1) чистовая версия раздела (clean copy, около 120–150 слов), сохраняющая все факты и оговорки; (2) разметка правок (mark-up) — список из 8–10 правок в форме «было → стало — причина (тип: scope / reference / comparison / parallelism / dangling / agreement / nominalisation / number without basis)»; (3) что оставлено нетронутым и почему (untouched — a defensible choice; a query to the author). Используйте обороты: as written, it says …; the intended meaning is …; repeat the noun; than last year's; the treasurer revised …; AU: ….
Образец ответа
CLEAN COPY — Section 3: the shuttle trial
The committee approved the trial for only six months. This surprised the operator, who said the route would need to change. Having reviewed the survey and the till records, the treasurer revised the estimate of likely footfall upwards, to a figure higher than last year's. The council needs to monitor the trial to determine whether it has affected High Street trade. The chairman told the treasurer that the treasurer's figures were optimistic; the minutes record this. Fewer meetings were held than in the previous phase, and the process included the villages, the traders and consultation with the operator. The trial, which cost £11,000, was cheaper than any other option. Saturday footfall rose 7 % on the same period last year. It was, after everything, a bus.
MARK-UP
1. «only approved the trial for six months» → «approved the trial for only six months» — scope of «only»: as written, it says approving was all they did.
2. «which surprised the operator, and they said» → «This surprised the operator, who said» — reference: «they» had two antecedents; «who» ties the speech to the operator.
3. «Having reviewed …, the estimate was revised upwards by the treasurer» → «the treasurer revised the estimate» — dangling participle: the estimate did not review; agent named.
4. «higher than last year» → «higher than last year's» — faulty comparison (figure with year).
5. «There is a need for the implementation of a monitoring process in order to make a determination as to whether or not the trial has had an effect on the level of trade» → «The council needs to monitor the trial to determine whether it has affected High Street trade» — nominalisation, empty opener, padding; 34 words → 16, no fact lost.
6. «his figures» → «the treasurer's figures» — ambiguous reference (chairman or treasurer); repeat the noun.
7. «this was noted» → «the minutes record this» — vague «this» and agentless passive; who noted?
8. «Less meetings» → «Fewer meetings» — countable.
9. «the villages, the traders and consulting the operator» → «the villages, the traders and consultation with the operator» — faulty parallelism.
10. «cheaper than any option» → «than any other option» — comparison with itself.
11. «Footfall rose 7 %» → «Saturday footfall rose 7 % on the same period last year» — number without basis (AU: please confirm the baseline).
UNTOUCHED
«It was, in the end, after everything, a bus.» — a stylistic choice: the double stall before «a bus» is the point. I have cut «in the end» as one stall too many (query, not error), and left «after everything». AU: your call.
lightbulbРедактирование с пояснением: чистовик + разметка «было → стало — причина (тип)» + нетронутое с обоснованием. Смысл первым (scope, reference, number without basis), потом форма (dangling, parallelism, comparison, agreement), потом тяжесть; выбор автора — query, не правка.
Закрепите урок: упражнения со словами, фразами и грамматикой с проверкой и повторением.